1. Do not be an Indian bloke with no knowledge of vodka or watermelons.
2. If 1. cannot be avoided, do not suggest that you will bring a vodka watermelon to the party without first finding out how it is actually made.
3. Do not start searching for the recipe just 6 hours before the party.
Important facts:
1. Vodka can make you extremely drunk. Especially if one keeps siphoning off the "extra" vodka so as not to "waste" it.
2. Fact 1. can also happen at 2'o clock in the afternoon. Especially if the person involved has the alcohol capacity of a 4 year old.
3. Watermelons are not as absorbent as one would imagine. Hence a lot of vodka might become "extra". See facts 1. and 2. for other implications.
Ok, so now that I have educated you all on the intricacies involved in vodka watermelon making, I can start my post.
in about 4 hours, a dear friend of mine is throwing a party and is expecting a mouth watering vodka watermelon to be brought by yours truly. A week back I offered to do this because I vaguely remember hearing how such a wonderful thing could be made. I mean how tough could it be?.. take watermelon, make hole, take vodka, pour.
So I googled the recipe 2 hours back and the first site told me it takes 7 days for the vodka to seep through. Obviously that dude had no concept of porous osmosis... obviously, I studied this shit in school, so I would know. Second site said this could be done in 24 hours. Aha! getting closer! a 7 fold decrease already, so obviously no one knows what they are talking about, which basically means that I do! So I decided to have a go.. my style.
Step 1. Buy two watermelons and good vodka. ( "good" can be replaced by.. "errr I have only 10 euros in my wallet.. so this should do")
Step 2. Start by making a small hole in the first watermelon. Pour vodka. Notice that the vodka doesn't seep through as you and newton ( of the newtonian-gravity) predicted. Obviously newton was stoned. as an experiment, make a bigger hole in second watermelon. notice that here too the vodka doesn't seep through. swear. a lot.
Step 3. As you swear, stab the fucking watermelon so as to help in the seeping process. This is extremely therapeutic.
Step 4. After 1 hour, peek under the cap of the stabbed watermelons and observe that a) the vodka hasn't gone anywhere. b) you suck at this.
Step 5. Give up. drink offending vodka directly from the watermelon without realizing that it is almost half a bottle of the stuff. decapitate the watermelons, slice em up, pour rest of the vodka bottle into it.
Step 6. Jam your delicacy into a box and weigh it down so that doesn't burst open. practice your innocent face expression when the party host looks at your creation.
Important things we have learned from this:1. My knowledge of alcohol is abysmal and only trumped by my (in)capacity to tolerate it. (a polish ex-girlfriend once drank, BEFORE leaving the house on a evening out, as much as I did during the entire evening :(
2. Using my motorcycle helmet and Gandhi's autobiography to weigh down sliced up vodka watermelons does NOT IN ANY WAY promote drunken driving or suggest that Gandhi approved of alcohol.
Results from this experiment will be posted tomorrow or the day after depending on the scale of my hangover.
13 comments:
1. What happened to social life being in the boondocks?
2. Self timer on phone camera? Noticably healthy head of hair, M.
3. Red watercolour pics = nice contrast with blog background.
4. Commendable, how thoroughly you can carry out the humour in dos and dont do instructions.
1. what to do? all this talent had to transform into fame at some point of time. cant deprive the world forever na?
2. Not self timer but rather flexible arms. I am very shameless about posing for self made pics.
3. Danke.
4. see point 1. above
:-D
I is liking the word "boondocks" too much!
HILARIOUS!
We tried this once, in my reckless, feckless youth. Some gents from the water polo team and I decided we could make a great vodka melon by just stabbing a watermelon with a bottle of vodka-- no hole-cutting involved!
"Jen, hold the watermelon. Hang on tight"
*boy attempts to jam (open) bottle of vodka through rind of melon*
"Ummm... is this right?"
*vodka pours over the outside of melon and into the tiny dent and onto the floor*
No.
Yeah, we figured it out eventually.
Now my favorite thing is to soak a pineapple with coconut rum... YUM!
Hope you had A LOT of fun... and no hangover! I should buy you a drink sometime... ;)
jenbun: !!! you are a vodka-watermelon-stabber as well? holy cow.. its destiny babay! ;-D
nah I was quite surprised at how un-drunk I was despite all the vodka and the beers later.. I guess sometimes when you are having a lot of fun the alcohol just doesn't hit you.
we SHOULD totally get a drink together sometime! although I must warn that I am terribly old school and might not let you pay..any insistence by pretty young things to foot the bill might end up with me sputtering senselessly and melting into a pool of goo!!!
when we were in college, we used to make them all the time. I don't know how much access you have to this sort of stuff, but we would go to the farm N fleet (veterinary and farm supplies) and buy giant animal syringes, and then we'd use those to inject the vodka directly into the watermelon. That way you don't have to cut the watermelon open till you're at the party.
And be easier on yourself- you can't start TOO far ahead of the party because the inside of the watermelon will fall apart if the vodka sits in there too long.
Looks like fun!
-M
A senseless, sputtering pile of goo, eh?
Sounds like fun... ;)
A lover and a fighter: "giant animal syringes" is a hilarious combination of words.. no matter what the context! :-D .. erm no I dont have access to such awesomeness.. somewhere down the line I branched into becoming an engineering geek, sooo I DO have access to a life size robot to make my vodka-watermelon with mechanical precision! .. but that would be just wrong methinks..
good to have you here!
jenbun: I knew you would like that! ;)
This is one of those things I keep meaning to do someday (I like vodka! I like watermelon!) but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. If I ever do get around to it, I will try my best to take this example and then do the opposite. Thank you.
jamelah: (I still can't get over what your name means in hindi!) ...anyways, you are welcome. this is my contribution to improving life in general. besides, you already have a head start by not being Indian and not being a bloke! so best of luck with the rest :-D
Manu, you brought back memories of my own vodka (and rum) watermelon days when I lived in the Middle East. Only time I ever got drunk on fruit. How's the head? Pop over to my blog tomorrow as I have something waiting for you. VLiF
VLiF: you lived in the Middle East!? wow!
.. am powerless in the face of anticipation. what am I getting? A vodka and rum watermelon? or... a smack for being cheeky? :-D .. the latter most likely.. will drop by fer sure!
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